OK, we'll admit it.
It turns out our mothers were right -- about a lot of things.
But especially about food.
When we were kids, good food did make us feel better -- at least most of the time. Whether it was a bowl of chicken soup, a bowl of matzah balls, a vat of spaghetti, or the proverbial meat and potato casserole, you could always count on Mom to say: "EAT UP, YOU'LL FEEL BETTER!!" Or, "Eat! You'll need your strength."
You may not have known it at the time, but your mother was simply transferring to you some of the intergenerational wisdom she learned from her mother. And from her grandmother before that. Together, unbeknownst to you, they were training you in the time-honored tradition of bringing comfort food in time of illness or grief.
Amazingly enough, even as a child, you were being apprenticed into a consoling community that spans culture and custom, income and ethnicity.
It's true. Good food does give us strength and sustenance. It also serves as a wonderful vehicle for providing support, a love-filled way of receiving comfort, and a solid bridge for promoting health and healing.
Comfort food consoles. It's as simple as that.
If you have a friend in need, the chances are that at some point, a home-cooked meal, marinated in love, will be 'just what the doctor ordered.' But before you drop off your culinary masterpieces on your unsuspecting friend, you may want to take a look at some of the following tips -- just in case you missed some of the details from that intergenerational wisdom transfer ...
Helpful Tips for providing food in time of illness or grief
First: Many people worry about being a burden to family or friends. They might be embarrassed they need help. Perhaps they're more used to being a caregiver than a care-receiver. Or maybe they don't understand that it is in giving that we receive, AND it is in receiving that we give.
The first order of business may be for you to gently let your friend (co-worker, neighbor, family member, or fellow member of your faith community) know that you'd LIKE to prepare meals -- it's something you WANT to do. You might tell them how sorry you are that they're going through this right now, and how helpless you feel in the face of it. Let them know that in fact, it helps you to have something concrete to do -- like prepare food.
Ask before you act: "What might be the best way I could pitch in and help? I have a few ideas I think might be helpful. For instance, I'd like to arrange to have meals delivered to your family a few nights a week -- or every other night. I'm hoping that will be helpful. But I'd really like to know what sorts of help YOU think might work best for you." Then listen, both to the words and to the heart.
Don't just OFFER to help: ACTUALIZE help! Even as you offer, know that for most people in time of crisis or grief, it is very difficult to be direct. It may be best to discern the need, make specific offers as to what you think may help, and gently pitch in.
Even if a person can afford to have meals catered or delivered from a favorite restaurant, there still is nothing like a home-cooked meal, crafted with love, and delivered by a friend.
Some people who would love to have meals delivered find it's just too much energy to talk to the folks doing the meal delivery. A person might be worried the house is a mess or that they might be expected to be a hostess to every person who shows up -- all the while caring for a sick loved one or actively grieving themselves.
One idea that works well for some people is to put a cooler for meal delivery out in front of the house. Another is to have meals delivered to a family member or close friend of the family, and have that person deliver the meals and bring back casserole plates, etc. (Be sure to ask if there are particular allergies, dietary preferences, or dislikes.)
With school-age or little children, offer child-care by someone known and trusted -- a pre-existing friend or playmate is usually best. And consider offering to make school-day lunches. That can really decrease the burden on a family with little ones. (Don't forget to ask about likes and dislikes!)
Bring meals in containers that don't have to be returned, either the foil casserole containers that can be found in any major grocery store, or the wonderful $1.00 floral bowls or plates that can be found at one of the dollar or discount stores. Then make a note that nothing need be returned.
Another option for close friends is to offer to bring dinner and stay and share the meal together. (You need to check in on how tired they might be, and be tuned to whether, given the circumstances, this might be net-energy positive or negative.) In this case, you'll be doing the dirty dishes, so who knows?
Maybe you'll be inspired to bring your fine china and make it an elegant, delicious, and supportive home fellowship. Be sure to let them know that a verbal thank you is all you desire. (Sometimes people refuse help because it feels overwhelming to think about trying to write so many thank-you notes!)
Hopefully, these ideas will help you get started on implementing 'your grandmother's wisdom.' But don't short-change your own ideas. Use your intuition. Give some thought as to what might be the best way to 'be a neighbor with heart' to this particular person at this difficult time in his or her life.
Be creative. And humble. Listen well. Offer help. Deliver kindness.
Get cooking!
