I know. It's hard for you too.
You don't know what to say. Or what to do.
You want to be there for me, to support me as I grieve the loss of my loved one. But you don't know exactly how. You're worried that somehow you'll mess up, by saying something or doing something that makes me feel worse. Or, at least, by not saying or doing something that could help me feel better.
You guys may be worried that I'll see your eyes sweat -- or that you'll see mine. So sometimes, to you, the best thing to do seems like nothing at all. You hope maybe I won't notice that you haven't mentioned my loved one's name since she died -- or even said anything to me at all about her since the funeral.
After all, you don't want to cause me to 'lose control' or have a tougher time. But here's what you don't know: I don't need you to say much at all, just to be there for me. Though it would be good if you could acknowledge my loss -- and speak her name. The truth is, I like to talk about her -- who she was, how I miss her, how tough it is to get through the day without her.
I appreciate that my friends care enough to be worried about me, and that you, too, share my loss. But don't worry too much. What I really need more than anything is for you to be there for me. What I'd like -- what would really help -- is for you to walk the path alongside me, to accompany me as I travel through grief, to support me when I stumble, and to pick me up when I fall down. In essence, what would really help me, is for you to continue being my friend.
You see, with grief, the only way out is through.
With that in mind, I've prepared a few tips to help you help me through grief. And to help you help others too. The tips ring true whether the person grieving is a man or a woman, and they hold true if the person who died is friend or family, co-worker or brother, mother or neighbor, sister or parent, grandparent or little child.
If more people knew what to say and not to say -- what to do and not to do, those of us who grieve would likely feel a whole lot more supported as we journey through the loss of our loved ones.
Thanks for caring. And thanks for taking the time to learn a little about 'How to help me as I grieve...'
Some Tips
- Give me time -- don't expect too much, too soon. Grief is hard work. And it takes longer than most people imagine.
- Don't avoid me. It hurts when friends 'don't know what to say,' so they say nothing at all. This is awkward for me too; any expression of heart-felt sympathy is sincerely appreciated.
- At the same time, avoid cliches and easy answers: there isn't anything easy about my grieving. A simple "I'm sorry," is more comforting to me than a thousand pre-fabricated sayings like: "It was God's will."
- Listen to what I'm feeling as well as to what I'm saying. I may need to tell you the story of my loss, sometimes over and over again. Don't attempt to minimize my loss or tell me how I feel -- you can ask, but not know. Please try to listen and learn from me; do not instruct.
- Understand that I need to be alone sometimes and not alone at other times. Offer to be with me, then respect my answers. Know that on any given day, that answer might change a few times as I try to discover my 'new normal.'
- Write me a card -- especially as time goes on. A card, or a thoughtful letter, can be read by me again and again, especially if it contains memories or thoughts about my loved one. Writing a note on special days or anniversaries helps me know I'm not alone in remembering my loved one.
- Make specific offers to help with house-cleaning, child-care, yard-work, errands, bills, etc. This works much better for me than: "Call me if you need anything." I won't call. Most of the time, it's too hard. On some days, just talking to another person is exhausting. Honestly, some days, even getting out of bed is tough for me to handle.
- Offers to deliver dinner or food are much appreciated. Cooking can be one more chore that's difficult to accomplish (though even food delivery can be overwhelming, at times). If possible, coordinate this with friends and family. I'm more likely to accept dinner if it's delivered by someone I know well.
- Reminisce with me. Sweet memories, sad ones, ambivalent, even tough ones -- these are all important for me now, part of working my past into my present. But follow my lead. Some times and memories are better than others for revisiting.
- Please let me grieve in my own way. My grief is my own, and your grief is yours. Please don't mix up the two. No one person is an expert in another's grief.
- I do feel broken sometimes, but don't try to fix me. Contrary to the 'five stages of grief theory,' I'm really not 'over it' once I've gone through denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, or any other series of feelings. Please accept that grief is a life-long process, through which I will continue to grow. Don't put me in a box or label me with a stage.
- Please don't give advice unless I ask for it. I may want to tell you how I feel, without any feedback (no matter how well-meaning) on what you think I should do.
- Be aware that men and women may grieve differently. In truth, even though commonalities exist, each person grieves differently. In fact, even the same person may grieve different relationships in a different manner. That's as it should be.
- My faith may be shaken -- give me time to integrate my loss into my spiritual beliefs. Try to be patient with me, even if I'm angry with God. (Don't worry about the Lord, He's big enough to handle my anger, and He'll keep right on loving me, no matter what.)
- Understand that, at times, I may feel guilt, anger, or regret. Accept my words and my silences.
- Help me plan rituals and memorials. The funeral is a bit of a blur to me. But since then, I've learned that people all over the world celebrate the life of the deceased at different times and in different ways. Some cultures have a mass or service at forty days after the death; others have a 'death celebration' at the year anniversary mark. Some families might plan a big birthday party each year; others, a special ceremony on a wedding anniversary. Help me figure out what will work best for me.
- Check on me as time goes on via phone, email, letter, or visit. After the initial flurry of people and events, time itself seems to slow down. A single day can seem like forever without a phone call or encouraging message.
- Take some time to learn about the normal manifestations of grief. You'd be surprised how grief affects a person's whole body, spirit, and emotions. Many of the things that are troubling to you about me are really just 'the face of grief.' As you may discover, "triggers" can cause a resurgence of feelings. This, too, is normal, though when I'm walking down the street and burst into tears, it can feel like anything but normal.
- Please don't forget the children. Just because they 'look' OK, doesn't mean they are. Children grieve individually, like the rest of us. They re-grieve again and again with every developmental milestone. Don't protect them from grief; support, and accompany them. Teach their friends how to be supportive; friends are important to all of us.
- Offer to take me to a grief support group if I want, or attend with me if it seems too scary for me to go alone. Encourage me to get professional help if I get into trouble, or show signs of complicated bereavement.
- And remember to take care of yourself. I will understand if you need a break. After all, I want you to be well-cared-for too. Did I tell you how much I appreciate you?
Consoling Communities wishes to thank the many bereaved survivors who shared their 'wisdom' contributions to make these tips possible, as well as to acknowledge Providence Hospice of Seattle Grief Support Services' "How to help me as I grieve my loved one" and Amy Hillyard Jenson's pamphlet, "Is there anything I can do to help?"
